2006 November archive at isaac downing

Archive for November, 2006

26Novfeeling inadequate.

I feel like I’ve been going up and down and up and down constantly for the past year …work. church. marriage. work. family. work… and of course: stress stress stress. I never knew anyone could worry about so many things in so little time. I constantly amaze myself with my shortcomings and inadequacies.

In the middle of feeling less than perfect and like anyone on the planet is better suited for every possible task than I will ever be: I run and hide. I jump behind a wall of anger toward my own wife for something as ridiculous as whether or not we want to go out for coffee with some friends after church. I said yes â€” she said no.

What triggers this self-righteous anger? Why do I throw up these iron shileds? I was ready for war! …over coffee. And it’s always as soon as I feel like I’m getting past myself and the need for acceptance. It’s at that moment that some little thing springs up and [boom!].

Typically it’s something miniscule and incredibly petty, like coffee or dinner or whatever else. But out of nowhere â€” I’m upset or angry or furious or just plain right. She is wrong. I am right. And you know what?

That scares me.

Because I have to face the fact that I’m nowhere near the husband I should be. As soon as my character is tested, my true character comes out â€” and it’s an ugly sight. And I know just how inadequate and undeserving I am of affection, grace and forgiveness, from my wife and from my God.

in Coffee and Marriage. 1 Comment

25Novthoughts while running.

“I wonder why that guy parks his SUV in the garage and makes his wife park outside on the street?”
“Is my iPod going to break from bouncing around my jacket pocket?”
“What’s that shape up ahead? Is it dangerous? Crap. I should’ve worn my glasses out here.”
“I’d never make my wife park her car on the street.”
“oh good…it’s just a mailbox.”
“Why is that dog running around loose?”
“It would be so cool if I got Nike+iPod stuff for Christmas.”
“Maybe I should train for Chicago next fall.”
“I hope that dog doesn’t have rabies.”
“Why can’t I seem to get along with my boss?”
“Did I lock the house before I left? Did I drop my key somewhere?”
“Maybe tomorrow I won’t listen to these sermons during a run anymore.”
“I’m practically supporting the weight of a small car on my legs …I have got to slim down.”
“The final stretch…finish strong.”

And that was only for three miles. I’m going to take a mulligan on last week and just update the miles for this week. Another slow, easy week, but a little more consistent. I’m on a slow incremental distance training plan, where I start out small a couple days a week, then double my daily distance for a long run on Saturday. So next week should be a little farther.

in My Life and Running. 1 Comment

24Novthat’s how i roll.

I’m doing a bit of inventory. I guess you could call it a sort of ‘Isaac-push-pin’ for this moment in in my life. Maybe it’s a reconciling of emotions. Maybe its an early midlife crisis. Either way, here is not quite everything you have been wondering about what makes me …me.

Okay, where to start? …well, I’m a twenty-five year old married guy sans children. I have two labs that I sometimes refer to as my children (Savanna & Sierra). But since they don’t even try to hold it until they get outside anymore, they’ve been demoted from being our ‘kids’ back to just dogs… or maybe frogs. Frogs just drink water all day in case someone picks them up, just like my dogs. They drink water all day just in case I decide to take a stroll around my house in sock feet.

Rachel is my wife. She is the smokin-hot joy of my life. We’ve been best friends for years. Even before we started dating. The past couple months have been the best of our entire relationship. And a couple of months ago, those months were the best. Life just gets better and better with her. Trust me: if you don’t have a wife yet, I highly recommend picking one up next time you’re out and about. They are great for parties and social events, and even better when you get to spend time together talkin, readin, sodoku’in, chillin, and lovin’… good good good.

But I think even more than my wife or my pets or my pastimes…I guess I’m writing about my emotional self. Because I’m afraid that I’m forgetting who I am. Lately it’s been the dreams I had for myself. For instance, I have the exact opposite job of what I wanted to be ‘when I grew up’. In high school, I started playing in a rock band and thought I’d be an all-star rocker. When it became apparent that it wasn’t my destiny, I made plans to become a graphic designer. Fast forward to today and I’m a number-crunching-loan-officer?

Whoa.

I’m hitting the wall. And I’m realizing that I have been treading water for a couple of years. I mostly go along with people’s opinions and ideas. I think it’s what took me from the job at the bank to the job at the mortgage company: never saying no. Granted, I’ve learned tons of useful information, made myself very marketable, expanded my horizons, gained valuable business skills, and helped dozens of people get new bank accounts, mortgages, home equities and blah blah blah… But I don’t think I really planned to go that route. I don’t think I planned a route, period. That’s the problem.

So, I think I need to take some time to see where I turned left when I should have turned right.

There you go… a glimpse into my utterly confusing and largely uninteresting mind. I love my life and I want to change it all around. I like things the way they are and I dislike things the way they are.

But mostly I just feel like I’m the only one going through this.

in Dogs, Friends, Marriage and My Life. 2 Comments

16Novgizoogle.

I’ve seen some translators that change text from English to Spanish, but never translating English to jive. This is one of the most entertaining ways to read your own blog, your pastor’s blog or even your church’s URL.

gizoogle.com

iJournal (in jive)

PS. I promise to post something of substance soon, but I’ve been under the weather lately.

in Culture and Web/Tech. 1 Comment