feeling inadequate.
I feel like I’ve been going up and down and up and down constantly for the past year …work. church. marriage. work. family. work… and of course: stress stress stress. I never knew anyone could worry about so many things in so little time. I constantly amaze myself with my shortcomings and inadequacies.
In the middle of feeling less than perfect and like anyone on the planet is better suited for every possible task than I will ever be: I run and hide. I jump behind a wall of anger toward my own wife for something as ridiculous as whether or not we want to go out for coffee with some friends after church. I said yes — she said no.
What triggers this self-righteous anger? Why do I throw up these iron shileds? I was ready for war! …over coffee. And it’s always as soon as I feel like I’m getting past myself and the need for acceptance. It’s at that moment that some little thing springs up and [boom!].
Typically it’s something miniscule and incredibly petty, like coffee or dinner or whatever else. But out of nowhere — I’m upset or angry or furious or just plain right. She is wrong. I am right. And you know what?
That scares me.
Because I have to face the fact that I’m nowhere near the husband I should be. As soon as my character is tested, my true character comes out — and it’s an ugly sight. And I know just how inadequate and undeserving I am of affection, grace and forgiveness, from my wife and from my God.
Categorized as Culture, Coffee, My Life, Marriage
well said.
let me know when you figure that one out.
my answer: “Lord, I need a fresh sense of affirmation…send it on…soon.”
And he does. And I can get up and go again and again…and stay in the stress cycle inherent to leading.