Last night was the first time in recent memory that, in addition to not sleeping very well, I actually had a nightmare. It feels a little childish to say it – I mean, grown up’s don’t have nightmares do they?
Well, obviously they do… or at least, I do.
All of this nightmarish sleeping has made me realize one thing with total clarity: I’m a worrier. I tend to over-analyze things and (at least in my head) make the smallest event into a national tragedy. Whether it’s church events, worship planning, finances, worries about me being a good husband or dad or whatever the case may be, there’s one common denominator – I worry about it.
I guess it should come as no surprise that lately while reading the Word, I’ve felt that God has been speaking to me directly about this aspect of my personality. Even yesterday morning I read Psalm 37:8-9, where David wrote:
“Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.”
This morning, after my nightmare, I woke up around 2:30 …and then again at 4:30 (recurring dream), and each time my mind was replaying the scenes I had been dreaming. My head was swirling with thoughts of being lost in an abandoned building, worrying about losing my family in the dark there, being chased by lunatics, struggling with locks and doors and fighting to get out… and then I realized how closely this mirrored my conscious life (aside from the “chased by lunatics” part… mostly). I run around, responding to the moment, worrying about people’s opinions, all the while doing everything I can to maintain control – which only results in less control.
The Apostle Paul wrote to the church at Philippi that “…the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” But what I’ve been realizing is that it wasn’t a blanket statement. The peace of God is fully available, but it doesn’t just happen. And lately I’ve been blocking God from guarding my heart and mind. The complete passage says…
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:4-7
One of these days, it’d be nice to get it right on the first try… but for now, I’m still being chased by lunatics in my sleep to make me realize my need for more dependence on God.
